The Horseshoe Crabs versus The Felt Hats

As we come frightfully (and rightfully) close to nationalizing the auto-industry, doesn’t it seem completely ironic that this all happened during the watch of the bullies of the free-market playground, W and his cohorts?

“W” and “cohorts,” however, lacks the umph needed to really kick this discussion off; so, let’s give them a real boss name to add additional luster and menace to this gang’s reputation—The Horseshoe Crabs s of Pennsylvania Avenue will suffice. And if you have ever seen a horseshoe crab then, man, you know what I am talking about!

Now, I am not going to completely blame the Crabs for the dangerous lack of regulation that has taken root over the past 8 years. Much of this belief in Santa Claus (aka “the derivative”) took hold during President Clinton’s administration (we shall call these guys the “Felt Hats” because they are cool and dig chicks and play instruments and probably like college football).

The Felt Hats led us to the rabbit hole and said, “hey, let’s go on down there and check things out.” The Crabs merely liked what they saw whilst in the hole and simply continued to explore.

So, even if it seems that both parties are equally guilty, what the Felt Hats did was say, “let’s climb down the latter into the hole and explore things with miner’s hats (and those funny lights), pick-axes, mobile phones, a lunch box filled with burgers and fluffa-nutter sandwiches and they explored step-by-step; yet, despite the obvious danger of this territory, caution was still the party-favor for all.

The Crabs, however, once down there decided that “real men don’t eat quiche” and so they did away with the miner’s hats (with the funny lights), they tossed the burgers to the rats lining the sides and instead of prowling forward with caution, they pissed into the wind and sprinted forward in a way only fat, formerly-athletic white men of privilege can.

Now, for the metaphorically-impaired, the hats and sandwiches and slow strut forward are government regulations. Although, one can say that the mere creation of the derivative is counter to government oversight, the Felt Hats never hated government.

The Felt Hats believe that government is needed and it can be good for the overall welfare of the people; they even believed this so much that they forewent their own innate desires to buy new hats and matching suede shoes and balanced a budget that had been made “unbalanced” by a string of Republican administrations (the Lemons (Nixon), the Santa Barbara Lifeguards and the Kennebunkport Chowder Heads).

Where the Felt Hats praised the glories of good government and did more than any administration to responsibly decrease the presence of government in our lives, the Crabs recklessly, even treacherously, decimated government oversight in all aspects of our lives. People are dying of shitty spinach, literally!

By bankrupting our nation, by spending hundreds of millions to illegally occupy other nations, by running a non-stop political campaign against government, by replacing dozens of qualified professionals with party hacks, by disregarding any non-partisan research (the refusal by the Crabs to consider the Felt Hat’s conclusions about terrorism dangers in 2001 when they took office) done by the Felt Hats has led us to where we are today.

I am not an economist. Well, actually, I am as good as the experts who failed to foresee the current collapse of the world economy. It does not take a genius to realize that too many people were living way too comfortably on way too much credit (read: the available resources were/are not sufficient enough to support so many “American middle-classes” throughout the world).

So, take my words back, I am an economist because guess what, economics is not a science, it is mastery of observations that have been made over many years. It is an ability to understand greed and how greed will motivate people to force/entice others to part with their resources.

Had our nation been at least macro-economically sound when this credit crisis hit the fan, we might have been in a much better place to solve it. However, we are nationally about 100 years ahead of ourselves in spending. Obviously, we are not prepared to deal with this crisis.

The Crabs, however, are all wealthy and have only gotten wealthier over the past 8 years—the members of the Politburo in the Soviet Union had a very similar situation—and so they really won’t be affected by the pain which lies ahead.

The Crabs are the essence of free-market values (greed, abuse, etc.) and we are where we are today thanks to there incompetence. Government is needed. Government is needed because people, especially corporations (which are run by people) are inherently greedy.

Tomorrow, the auto-industry will come under the guidance of a government-backed board of advisors. How did we get here? Go down to the pool hall, knock on the door with 3 and a half quick raps, say Dickey sent you and ask to see the King Horseshoe Crab: he’ll tell you how we got here (but then again, he just might lie as he is known to do and then start to pray as he is known to do, also).

Yes, government is needed, and soon, the auto-industry will realize what that means like never before!